Life Plans

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

He was so excited, like I was unlocking a door, or like puzzle pieces were falling into their designed places.

"Yes," I say. "It's a good idea."

"But you've never wanted to do it before."

"It seems right now."

My husband is not a day to day planner, but big plans are imperative to how he lives his life. He has for years asked me to set down on paper (or, for him, an excel spreadsheet) our life goals. I have not acquiesced, as the mention of an excel spreadsheet seems to send cold chills up my spine (I do not believe every problem can be solved in the cells of an excel speadsheet, and it seemed somehow contradictory to plan out the expansive goals of life on such a software program. Perhaps Word would be better, but the ideal would be a small journal, with all the words hand written). But in my stubborness, I have become lost in a maze of tasks, and the big vision of where I thought I was going has become blurred. So, in an instant decision, I told Chris that it was time to plan it all out.

"Get the laptop. Open up the spreadsheet."

He looked at me like I had asked him to open up a long anticipated gift. We were sitting at the dinner table, surrounded by remnants of dinner. I thought I would be able to compartmentalize goals, making them into convenient check lists, but my husband doesn't work this way, either. He is a fluid thinker, goals are wide and all emcompassing, so mine started to look the same.

I was the first to list my goals. Here is a sampling:

1. Want to travel the world
2. Want to write a book
3. Huge family dinners at our house someday
4. Kids to be happy
5. At peace with God/fulfill life purpose

Some are more concrete than others. Some have a more direct path, where with others, the path has not been located yet. Some I struggle with, some I wonder if they will ever happen. But there were my goals, and it seemed better, them looking up at me from the computer. They said, Hello, this is where you want to take your life. Are you on your way yet?

Sitting there, with a trail of turkey gravy still remaining on the plate before me, I wondered if it were possible. Happy children, happy even into adulthood. Peace with my God and thankfulness for the things He has gifted to me. Peace with myself and the paths I had chosen to follow. I still don't know that. I somehow wished the spreadsheet would make a quick calculation when I entered into it information about my past experiences, my current dilemmas, my fears and expectations, and let it spit out to me the answer. But this spreadsheet was not that sofisticated. Computers can't do everything.

We have a chalkboard in our kitchen. I put quotes on it, and change those quotes periodically. I looked at Chris and directed him to put something up on our board to begin us correctly on the goals we had set.

He wrote, "Begin with the end in mind." It seemed appropriate for us. To remember the vision first, and take the steps to get there.

Peace

Peace
Rushes to the edges
Of the outline of
Life but
Does not stay
In the middle
I am there
Looking at it
Admiring it
Like a child’s
Drawn sunrise
The rays are fat
And yellow
Crooked but
Beautiful
I reach out to
Pull it back
So I can know it
In the middle
Where I am
Where my life
Is
But the butter
Mirage of
Crayon lines
Remains on
The edge

Rogue Planet

It is about 10 at night. Sitting in my bed, cross-legged (which makes an excellent table for my laptop), I am surrounded by the trappings of my very ordinary life: my daughter's homework papers, miscellaneous crayons (most broken and all blunted at the end by much use), my husband's dress shirt thrown across the end of the bed. All objects I see everyday. All objects that comfort me in their very connection to the lives of my family. All objects that make concrete for me the direction my life has taken.

At that epiphany, I draw in my breath, which I am sure is inaudible, because I am a bit ashamed of the feeling that sweeps over me. The direction my life has taken. It is at times like this that I feel foreign to myself, as if I float above the woman sitting on the bed, and I whisper, Who is that person? Is that me? Really?

Your 30s. I have found for me it is has been a period of analysis, inner change, and realization. At times I have reached my hands deep into dark places and have drawn up to the surface aspects about myself that had never seen the light before. At other times, I have wept for the things about myself that I felt growing smaller and smaller, like imploding stars. And I think now, it is these imploding stars, these hot, volatile cores of concentrated need, that have lead me here, to sitting down and writing this.

To be perfectly clear, I have a beautiful family: 2 beautiful daughters, a handsome son, and devoted husband. I have a nice home and a good job. I have an honorable profession that allows me to help other people. I have a love of God, and I thank Him everyday for His gifts. I have more than most, and probably do not deserve all that I have.

But, I have developed as of late, in my 30s, a need for something more. I feel something in me (and it is sometimes a physical feeling), that has been caged for too long. An avenue for creative release. And so, this blog came about at my husband's prompting. Thank goodness for me, he understands this longing I have. This longing to recapture parts of myself that I had put away in order to make room for first finishing school, then getting married and starting work, and finally starting a family.

Now, I rarely turn on the TV, but sometimes I will watch the History Channel. I prefer a good mummy show, but on one occasion, a program about the universe was on. In this particular episode, they were detailing atypical galactic masses. One of these was called a planemo. A planemo is a planet that doesn't have a star around which to revolve. These planets drift through space, of their own accord. How lonely, I thought, but such a perfect analogy to our lives as humans. At times we move through life aimlessly, without a guiding force or in dissolution, just as a planemo would. But other times, we come in contact with splendor. We graze by stars that throw their radiating light deep into space. We navigate through cold belts of asteroids. We are enveloped in rainbow clouds of strange gasses, and are drawn dangerously close to black holes. We are at times in the presence of awesome circumstances and at others we are on a dark path as if in a void. But always we are moving, moving from one celestial wonder or danger to another, always searching.

So, with this blog I hope to explore my journey. I hope that you will help me explore it and learn something about your journey, too. Because we all have one, and we might at some point pass each other in the night sky.